I am pretty sure I adore you. You are smart or clever or beautiful or handsome or warm-hearted or funny or charming or most likely a delightful combination that makes me smile every time I think of you, which is often.
And because you are a cutting-edge, early-adapting, high-functioning technophile, you know how to make your website contort in myriad ways that capture information and convert to sales every time I so much as stumble upon your website.
And so you employ all manner of web-savvy tricks when I visit. There’s just one small problem.
You’re pissing me off.
And a poor user experience means less of everything good – engagement, loyalty, returns, sales – down the line. So for both our sakes, stop it! Stop doing the following right now:
1. Pop Ups.
Really? I have to tell you this? Get out of my face.
2. Multimedia Content Plays Automatically. With the Sound Up.
This is even worse than a pop-up because I don’t know where the sound is coming from which means I can’t turn it off and it’s playing over the music video or ballgame or Ted talk I’m simultaneously listening to and it’s driving me crazy and GOD I HATE YOUR DAMN SITE!
3. No Way to Contact You on My Terms.
I don’t want to fill out your stupid form; I want to talk to a specific person, the kind who has their own name, email address and phone number. Give them to me. If my only contact with you is a form you just lost business.
4. No Way to Contact You, Period.
Okay, now you’re not any of those things I mentioned at the top. You need to take the Remedial Website course. Both semesters.
5. Your Page Refreshes, Like, Every 10 Seconds While I’m Trying to Navigate.
It’s like you’re trying to make my life miserable. I scroll halfway down and then you refresh and suddenly I’m back up top. So I scroll halfway down faster and click on the link I want just as it refreshes again and now instead of searching men’s shoes I’m in ladies lingerie and I don’t look good in any of this. Have you seen my legs?
6. You’re Not Optimized for Mobile.
News flash: they have the Internet on phones now and your website blew up on mine. It’s slow and discombobulated; it bleeds off the edge and looks like someone had an embarrassing accident. Cleanup on aisle website!
7. It Takes F-o-r-e-v-e-r-r-r-r-r to Load.
Because you had the intern create it and he used high resolution photos sized 8×11 that run 1×2 on your site. Just shoot me now!
8. Your Home Page Doesn’t Make It Clear Why You Exist.
If your raison d’etre isn’t the first thing I see then your site is merde. And I’m au revoir. Bounce!
9. It’s Full of Amateur Writing.
For God sakes hire Erin Danly so your site doesn’t sound like it was written by a grammar school dropout or a schoolgirl. One local charity website uses an exclamation point at the end of every third sentence. Bob is our executive director! He went to college! You’re going to throw up now!!!!!!!
10. It’s An Ink-Stained Wretch.
The most common mistake marketers make is writing too much. Don’t transfer this problem to your website. On average we read half as fast and for half as long on the web, so cut the blather.
11. It’s Form Over Function.
Whiz-bang! Man, that’s some impressive flash. Problem is, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or where I’m supposed to find anything. So I’ll find something else on Google.
12. You’re Full of It.
If your titles promise things you can’t deliver, I’m not only going to figure it out right fast, I’m never going to trust you. How’s that working for your brand?
13. The Whole Site Is A Giant Loop.
So I’m searching for something and no matter what I click on I end up back where I started. Aaaaargh! If I’d wanted to go around in circles for hours without getting any smarter I’d have become a NASCAR driver.
14. You Use Your Own Jargon in the Navigation. Instead of, you know, real words. Don’t expect me to know that in your little world “standard cable” means “the ancient technology that preceded high definition and looks like crap on an HD television.” I mean, hypothetically, of course.
15. There’s No Search Function.
So if I can’t find something, I have no recourse. Which means — I’m sorry, this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you — I’m headed to your competition. And if you don’t have competition, I’m headed to The Onion.
You Require Registration Just To Look Around
Friend, you are just not that important. There’s like a thousand other sites on the worldwide net. Like mine!