Water: the most abundant compound on earth.
You stand in a shower of it every morning, or, if you’re a dude, every month without fail, except maybe February because it’s shorter.
In the Charleston metro area, you drive in it as if it were Crisco oil. I know this, because that was me behind you on a rainy morning, driving one-seventh of a mile an hour. Downhill.
But water has many benefits. This was revealed to me by the good people of Charleston Water System, who have been advertising its benefits. It’s on their building. They wrote an op-ed piece in the Post and Courier. They extort 60 bucks out of you every time you change a billing account. They love them some water.
- Fire protection – Really? That’s amazing. Does the fire department know this?
- Quality of life – Who knew? People should start buying boats!
- Public health – Can’t swallow your Quaaludes without water.
- Economic development – How would we fight about the cruise industry without water?
You may be thinking that you’re somewhat less fond of water these days, given the recent inundation. Mae West’s assertion, that too much of a good thing is…wonderful, doesn’t hold water — for water, which has narrowed Kiawah, choked some Colonial Lake plants, and drowned parts of Edisto.
Still, this exercise is fun; it’s just that I wasn’t aware that water was in need of a PR campaign. I engaged in some scientific market research on the subject (I asked my wife) and determined that she was pretty well acquainted with the myriad advantages of water, like keeping her juice cold (in its solid form) and comprising most of her brain. It’s the first ingredient in her Dr. Pepper.
And in her shampoo.
Let’s say it together: Yay, water!
It got me thinking: how about a PR campaign for other natural resources. How about dirt! Here are its benefits:
- Child care
- Food production
- Shovel sales
Let’s sing an homage to air!
- Public health
- Economic development
I think I’m onto a new niche. Think of the case we could build for electricity, which makes quick executions possible; and of time, five minutes of which are necessary for sex; and sex itself! Think of the campaign we could create in favor of sex! It made you possible!*
*This is not always a selling point, as the presidential nomination process has made clear.
Thank you so much, Charleston Water System, for vividly demonstrating to the passing public the wonderful benefits of water. And of reading! And knowledge! And thinking! And…